Starting our marriage on the right foot

I must--absolutely must--begin this post by declaring to the world how amazingly happy I am to be married to Erin! As I was sure to share with her earlier that day in a recorded message, regardless of anything else that might happen that day, the most important thing is that we would pledge our lives to each other. We did!

Also for the record, we had a beautiful wedding day! Erin was stunning, the day was beautiful, love and happiness were all around--it was grand! Yes, there was an injury. All things considered, though, it was a small mishap in a glorious day.

The accident: we were having a photo shoot at Stony Creek Metropark between the ceremony and the reception. Our first location was the old Sheldon Estates in the park. We decided to take a picture with Erin and me on top of a stone table that resides on the property (you can see it if you follow the link above). We did note that the table was cracked, and we did test it...at least on one side. After the photo, Erin dismounted safely. As I stepped down--mostly ignoring the offers of assistance from other members of the wedding party--the table fell apart and half of it landed on the side of my foot.

For sanity sake, I won't recount all of the details from there. Suffice it to say that I tried to persevere, but everyone else realized that I was in shock and needed medical attention. Erin rode with me in the back of a mini-van (sprawled out on the cargo floor in the back) to the nearest emergency room. That is when we discovered the secret key to crazy-super-speedy fast attention in an ER: a wedding dress. The staff at Crittendon Hospital were fantastic and had us out of there really quickly. Initial diagnosis was a sprain, so I left on crutches with an Ace bandage and splint (air cast).

We were late for dinner, but we still enjoyed our reception! Some would say that the crutches actually improved my dancing! I do still owe Erin a dance to our wedding song, "Now Touch the Air Softly" by Peter Mayer. We did the best we could, but she deserves another opportunity sans crutches.

We received a call on Sunday with the radiologist report: suspected minor fracture in the foot. We were advised to enjoy our honeymoon and call for a CT scan upon our return. So, we headed to our Lake Seneca (Ohio) beach house retreat for the week, and Erin took fabulous care of me! Again, I owe her a relaxing retreat once healed.

Upon our return, we discovered the joys of HMO healthcare, primary care physicians, and referrals. As of today, we are aware of two minor fractures in one bone of my foot (left foot) near the ankle. I am wearing a weight-bearing boot that can be removed, although I am not yet able to really apply any weight. As such, I am still on crutches. Anticipating another 4 weeks of recovery, but perhaps getting into some mild walking in about 2 weeks.

And that is the story of how we started our marriage "on the right foot."

Boca blunder? Beer it!

So, you tried some Morning Star black bean burgers and realized they were amazing. So, you went to Sam's Club and discovered they only carry the Original Boca Burger for veggie burgers...and you bought a case. You didn't do that? Well, I did.

Discovery: Original Boca Burgers consumed as burgers seem a bit like eating canned cat food. Ugh. Well, I am here to report that there IS hope when stuck with a bulk case of these faux-meat patties.

First step: remove any perception that the little buggers will ever be consumed as burgers or in sandwich format. The sooner this reality is acknowledged, the faster possibilities can take shape.

Second step: acknowledge that you now have a bulk supply of low-fat protein nicely packaged in single servings, taking the guess work out of measurement.

Third step: expand your culinary skills by thinking of ways to introduce "protein chunks" and "protein crumbles" into other meals. A half-step to this is to simply add your new wonder protein with beef in things like chili and sloppy joe--it's kinda like adding bread to the meatloaf, but with more nutritional value. However, it really can be a protein substance on it's own, added to things like salads and stir fry.

Final step: get creative with the protein preparation. This requires SEASONING for sure! I'm pretty simple, typically using original Mrs. Dash. However, I'm sure you can get as wild and crazy as you want with your own seasoning sensations, including fresh herbs, spices, peppers, and such. Just watch out for seasonings that contain salt/sodium, as you start to infringe upon the health factor of this protein substance. Since they are frozen, I suggest a quick thaw in the microwave (60-90 seconds should work). Then, toss 'em in a skillet with some oil or Smart Balance and seasonings, then fry 'em up just like ground beef.

Want to add a nice little extra flavor? Add a splash (well, 2 splashes) of your favorite beer to the frying process (and, of course, consume the rest of the beer). The faux meat substance absorbs the flavor quite nicely, and a malty amber will add a bit of caramelization to the mix (while decreasing the healthiness just a tad). My favorite right now is Dos Equis Amber, aged several months.

From there, add it to some veggie-based or whole-grain pasta entrees as you wish. I recommend consuming immediately, but it will store OK in the fridge (the texture just gets a bit chewy in my opinion).

I will admit that I've actually gone from being repulsed by these things to actually looking forward to my "Boca protein" additions. All it takes is completely disregarding the format in which they were prepared for consumption.

Oh, and for the record, the Morning Star Spicy Black Bean burgers really are fabulous...as burgers/sandwiches!

Cheers!

The Gift of Forgiveness

The following message was publised as a Q&A segment of the Crucial Skills newsletter (Holiday Edition), a publication of VitalSmarts. Click the link above (blog post title) to view the original newsletter. I found the message to be quite insightful and worth sharing.

Cheers!
The Gift of Forgiveness


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.



Dear Crucial Skills,


When my grandmother became very ill, my dad and his four siblings struggled to come to an agreement about what was best for their mother. My aunt (the oldest sibling) became very controlling and everyone had a difficult time staying in dialogue with her, including my dad who is exceptional at mastering his stories and building mutual respect and mutual purpose.


This conflict has now ruptured relationships such that after more than thirty years of tradition, we are cancelling my grandma's family Christmas party. I would like to see my dad and his siblings forgive each other and focus on the needs of my grandmother, who is obviously affected the most. How can I help my family overcome past fights and come together for the holidays?


Signed,

Facilitating Forgiveness


Dear Facilitating Forgiveness,


I was thinking about your question last week while I took my morning run in the National Mall in Washington, DC. As I ran past the wonderful new Martin Luther King memorial, I screeched to a halt in front of a granite inscription that read, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."


I've ruminated ever since on the implications of that powerful concept for your situation. Here are some thoughts I hope will help:


1. Patience is the most genuine expression of love. The first thing to keep in mind is that you cannot force forgiveness. You can't compel other people to soften their hearts, examine their own faults, or modify their judgments of others. You have to wait until they want to.


Allowing them to go through the process of challenging their own emotions is an authentic expression of your love for them. It reflects your willingness to patiently wait for the family unity you crave so they can go through the natural process of human growth. Attempting to force the process is more likely to create resistance than reform. Watch—but wait—for signs that others feel some of the loss you feel, then make gentle attempts to help them move forward.


2. Forgiveness is the natural result of a new story. We can't feel differently toward others until we think differently about them—and ourselves. Forgiveness is difficult because we stay stuck in the story we've told ourselves about what happened. As long as we maintain a picture of others' villainy and our own virtue, we feel morally justified in our anger or frustration. We take delight in the suffering we hope the other person is feeling from our withheld affection because we perversely imagine they deserve to suffer or that the suffering is a learning experience. "Perhaps," we reason, "this mutual misery will help them see the error of their ways and become a better human being. I'm a wonderful person for helping them have this life-changing experience!"


Until we intentionally examine our own faults and others' virtues, we feel no need to forgive. The instant we begin this painful but wonderful process, the icy feelings inside us begin to melt. If we continue that process to its natural end, feelings of forgiveness are inevitable. Changing your story is the key to changing your feelings. Don't try to get others to forgive. Instead, help them to challenge their stories. Forgiveness will follow.


3. We'll challenge what we think when we change what we want. Given that challenging our stories is a painful process, why would anyone do so? We do it when our motives change. That's why the first principle of Crucial Conversations is start with heart. When your motives change, your behavior follows naturally. People who resist forgiving are sometimes stuck in self-justifying stories—stories that protect them from the pain of reexamining their view of themselves and others. Sadly, the primary motivator that drags our story into the light is the acute experience of the pain of a lost relationship.


Now, I know your question wasn't about helping yourself forgive, but about facilitating that process in others. So how can we use the principles I outlined above to influence others to forgive? First, don't rush them. That just distracts them from experiencing the pain that could motivate them to change. Second, acknowledge their pain. Affirm the parts of their story you agree with and the hurt they legitimately feel. Third, invite motivation. Let them know you miss the family gatherings and guess they do, too. Tell them you think there is a way back to the former intimacy if they are open to discussion. Then be patient again. Periodically reaffirm the invitation, but don't badger. When they're ready, they'll let you know.


One of two things might happen if you are patient and supportive. First, your family members may just bury the past and reconnect without resolving anything. Perhaps this is an acceptable compromise if all are happy with it. Second, they may respond to your invitation to help. If they take the second route, this will be your big opportunity for a crucial conversation. I'd suggest you invite them to share their story, then request the chance to share a different view of things. Be clear up front that your intent is to help them see what happened differently so they can feel differently, and gain their consent for this process before you dive into it. If they seem resistant, withdraw and assure them you aren't trying to force your view on them. If they are going to change their minds, they will have to invite your influence in doing so.


Our judgments or demands of others won't drive out their stories—just like hate cannot drive out hate and darkness cannot drive out darkness—only love and light can do that. While I don't think there is any special brilliance in these modest suggestions, I hope you discern the heart of them—patience, love, and an appeal to what they really want is the only path to helping people reappraise their stories and reconnect with loved ones.


Happy holidays and peace to you and yours,


Joseph

Getting Married!

Wow, another HUGE delay in posting! Well, for the record, I'm engaged (in case you didn't already know). I proposed to Erin St. Bernard (Macomb, MI) on October 29, and she accepted without hesitation. :-)

I'm not going to write much here because I think most readers already know what's up. However, I will post our wedding website once it is up and running. Our "story" will be there.

Obviously, my blogging continues to be affected by this relationship. I'm not complaining, and I have not received any complaints, so I guess it is all good. Being in a long-distance relationship, we talk on the phone every night. Between our talks, my travels to visit, our wedding planning, and life in general (especially around the holidays), I pretty much have disconnected from television and my blog. Please remain subscribed, though. I will be back.

Blog Delays: Love in Progress

So, I post about being on Facebook too much and neglecting my blog, and then I disappear. What gives?

Picture a summertime highway with lots of orange barrels, and the obligatory "Delays Ahead: Construction in Progress" signs. Well, my blog should have a "Love in Progress" sign.

I don't really have permission to be writing this post, so don't expect details. Suffice it to say that I'm head-over-heels for a beautiful young woman who is bringing an abundance of warmth and joy into my life. I honestly don't think I've ever experienced anything quite as genuine as our relationship and the journey we are taking together.

The blog is not going anywhere, and I certainly hope to introduce my readers to "her" in the future. For now, enjoy the end of summer and be mindful of the blessings in your life. Until my words hit your screen again, I'll be taking my own advice.

Facebook lazy and intellectual demise

I must admit that I've become "Facebook lazy." When I first started blogging on MySpace in 2006, it was a personal challenge to see how much I could communicate publicly between random thoughts and personal insights. It was also a tad bit reaching out to a woman of interest, but that's neither here nor there.

I'll be the first to admit that I've become a Facebook addict over the past year. After I quit my residence life job and my closest professional and personal companion became my research, I clung to Facebook as a way to maintain contact with people. To a certain extent, that situation still exists. I am grateful for this technology--it has allowed me to develop some relationships that would not have existed otherwise, and it has helped me to maintain a few relationships as well. It is not preferred to face-to-face interaction by a long shot, but it sure is nice during a period of many life transitions.

Here's the thing, though. As I stated, I've become "Facebook lazy." Since attaching to Facebook as an on-line communication portal, I've nearly abandoned blog posts. Even though I come up with stuff to write at least weekly, I settle for Facebook "status updates." Some would argue that my use of that feature resembles "tweeting" more than status updating, but I really don't want to get into yet another form of electronic communication. At least with Facebook, I can connect with other people. Twitter really is like a tweeting bird--"look at me! look at me!" Anyway, the point is that I've gotten lazy. I've limited my public commentary to 420 characters at time (with the occasional "reply" to my own status update).

What's the point? On the surface, this is about how I choose to communicate. At a deeper level, it's a commentary regarding technology. I'm a fan of technological advances; I have been for as long as I can remember. However, technology has always been comprised of "tools" for human work and living. The plow really started it all, and the plow still required a great bit of effort to work effectively. I don't really think the plow challenged the future of humanity or "humanness" the way computer technology does. Technological advances of the modern age (television, satellite, internet, e-mail, social networking, mp3 shuffle, wifi) empower us to communicate and learn in ways far surpassing historical methods, but they also empower us to be lazy and complacent. Whereas the plow empowered humanity to grow more and grow more efficiently, modern technology empowers us to limit or even turn off our intellect.

As I write these words, I encounter abundant thoughts not making their way to the screen. A thought I cannot shake, though, is the thought of family. My perspective is that of a professional single--a bachelor who is overly connected to technology and lacking human contact beyond my work and limited social life. For me, the choices presented by technology are serious. With so much of my personal life being "wired," I must truly choose between intellectual empowerment or social networking autopilot. For so many people out there with families--with spouses, children, significant others, etc.--I hope this is less of a concern. I hope that daily human interactions with loved ones empowers human intellect enough that all of this e-chatter is simply extra, perhaps bearing substance and the potential for growth as persons, but always second to familial interactions.

I'm not pledging to blog more, but I am pledging to not have my communications and writings limited to Facebook posts. I am pledging to keep my mind active, my soul nourished, and not survive on hyper-auto-pilot.

In other news, I'm a big fan of Lady Gaga's new album Born This Way.

I watched Jesus Camp...

So, I finally watched the documentary Jesus Camp tonight. I had many mental notes for a blog post as I was watching, but I must admit that most of my thoughts were clearly articulated by the radio commentator featured in the film. So, I'll just post a few brief thoughts and reactions.

1. I don't talk about "God" very often. Although I neither preach nor testify, I do live my life according to a set of values (Christian-based) and hope [have faith] that "God" would approve.
2. If humans were created by God, then God blessed humans with intellectual capacity. Indoctrinating children to a particular viewpoint--and one that is human and thus fallible--is in contrast to the capacity with which we are blessed. I believe that children should be raised both with a set of values and with a willingness to seek truth and understanding. How can a person truly "find God" if "God" is something forced upon a developing mind?
3. Jesus did not make war with religious enemies--he preached a message of love and lead by example. He died for his conviction rather than giving into hatred and conflict.
4. There is actually much to admire in the conviction and value-driven behaviors of many religious conservatives. If I make a pros and cons list, I think my list of cons would still outweigh the pros, but it still leaves room for appreciation.
5. I am fairly certain I could fall in love with a woman who experienced this kind of upbringing, but then discovered spiritual consciousness through the abandonment of religious doctrine. I'm pretty sure I'd get along well with her.

Those are my reactions. I highly recommend this film. I believe it was tastefully produced and would appeal (for different reasons) to a wide range of religious and political perspectives.