The Gift of Forgiveness

The following message was publised as a Q&A segment of the Crucial Skills newsletter (Holiday Edition), a publication of VitalSmarts. Click the link above (blog post title) to view the original newsletter. I found the message to be quite insightful and worth sharing.

Cheers!
The Gift of Forgiveness


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.



Dear Crucial Skills,


When my grandmother became very ill, my dad and his four siblings struggled to come to an agreement about what was best for their mother. My aunt (the oldest sibling) became very controlling and everyone had a difficult time staying in dialogue with her, including my dad who is exceptional at mastering his stories and building mutual respect and mutual purpose.


This conflict has now ruptured relationships such that after more than thirty years of tradition, we are cancelling my grandma's family Christmas party. I would like to see my dad and his siblings forgive each other and focus on the needs of my grandmother, who is obviously affected the most. How can I help my family overcome past fights and come together for the holidays?


Signed,

Facilitating Forgiveness


Dear Facilitating Forgiveness,


I was thinking about your question last week while I took my morning run in the National Mall in Washington, DC. As I ran past the wonderful new Martin Luther King memorial, I screeched to a halt in front of a granite inscription that read, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."


I've ruminated ever since on the implications of that powerful concept for your situation. Here are some thoughts I hope will help:


1. Patience is the most genuine expression of love. The first thing to keep in mind is that you cannot force forgiveness. You can't compel other people to soften their hearts, examine their own faults, or modify their judgments of others. You have to wait until they want to.


Allowing them to go through the process of challenging their own emotions is an authentic expression of your love for them. It reflects your willingness to patiently wait for the family unity you crave so they can go through the natural process of human growth. Attempting to force the process is more likely to create resistance than reform. Watch—but wait—for signs that others feel some of the loss you feel, then make gentle attempts to help them move forward.


2. Forgiveness is the natural result of a new story. We can't feel differently toward others until we think differently about them—and ourselves. Forgiveness is difficult because we stay stuck in the story we've told ourselves about what happened. As long as we maintain a picture of others' villainy and our own virtue, we feel morally justified in our anger or frustration. We take delight in the suffering we hope the other person is feeling from our withheld affection because we perversely imagine they deserve to suffer or that the suffering is a learning experience. "Perhaps," we reason, "this mutual misery will help them see the error of their ways and become a better human being. I'm a wonderful person for helping them have this life-changing experience!"


Until we intentionally examine our own faults and others' virtues, we feel no need to forgive. The instant we begin this painful but wonderful process, the icy feelings inside us begin to melt. If we continue that process to its natural end, feelings of forgiveness are inevitable. Changing your story is the key to changing your feelings. Don't try to get others to forgive. Instead, help them to challenge their stories. Forgiveness will follow.


3. We'll challenge what we think when we change what we want. Given that challenging our stories is a painful process, why would anyone do so? We do it when our motives change. That's why the first principle of Crucial Conversations is start with heart. When your motives change, your behavior follows naturally. People who resist forgiving are sometimes stuck in self-justifying stories—stories that protect them from the pain of reexamining their view of themselves and others. Sadly, the primary motivator that drags our story into the light is the acute experience of the pain of a lost relationship.


Now, I know your question wasn't about helping yourself forgive, but about facilitating that process in others. So how can we use the principles I outlined above to influence others to forgive? First, don't rush them. That just distracts them from experiencing the pain that could motivate them to change. Second, acknowledge their pain. Affirm the parts of their story you agree with and the hurt they legitimately feel. Third, invite motivation. Let them know you miss the family gatherings and guess they do, too. Tell them you think there is a way back to the former intimacy if they are open to discussion. Then be patient again. Periodically reaffirm the invitation, but don't badger. When they're ready, they'll let you know.


One of two things might happen if you are patient and supportive. First, your family members may just bury the past and reconnect without resolving anything. Perhaps this is an acceptable compromise if all are happy with it. Second, they may respond to your invitation to help. If they take the second route, this will be your big opportunity for a crucial conversation. I'd suggest you invite them to share their story, then request the chance to share a different view of things. Be clear up front that your intent is to help them see what happened differently so they can feel differently, and gain their consent for this process before you dive into it. If they seem resistant, withdraw and assure them you aren't trying to force your view on them. If they are going to change their minds, they will have to invite your influence in doing so.


Our judgments or demands of others won't drive out their stories—just like hate cannot drive out hate and darkness cannot drive out darkness—only love and light can do that. While I don't think there is any special brilliance in these modest suggestions, I hope you discern the heart of them—patience, love, and an appeal to what they really want is the only path to helping people reappraise their stories and reconnect with loved ones.


Happy holidays and peace to you and yours,


Joseph

Getting Married!

Wow, another HUGE delay in posting! Well, for the record, I'm engaged (in case you didn't already know). I proposed to Erin St. Bernard (Macomb, MI) on October 29, and she accepted without hesitation. :-)

I'm not going to write much here because I think most readers already know what's up. However, I will post our wedding website once it is up and running. Our "story" will be there.

Obviously, my blogging continues to be affected by this relationship. I'm not complaining, and I have not received any complaints, so I guess it is all good. Being in a long-distance relationship, we talk on the phone every night. Between our talks, my travels to visit, our wedding planning, and life in general (especially around the holidays), I pretty much have disconnected from television and my blog. Please remain subscribed, though. I will be back.

Blog Delays: Love in Progress

So, I post about being on Facebook too much and neglecting my blog, and then I disappear. What gives?

Picture a summertime highway with lots of orange barrels, and the obligatory "Delays Ahead: Construction in Progress" signs. Well, my blog should have a "Love in Progress" sign.

I don't really have permission to be writing this post, so don't expect details. Suffice it to say that I'm head-over-heels for a beautiful young woman who is bringing an abundance of warmth and joy into my life. I honestly don't think I've ever experienced anything quite as genuine as our relationship and the journey we are taking together.

The blog is not going anywhere, and I certainly hope to introduce my readers to "her" in the future. For now, enjoy the end of summer and be mindful of the blessings in your life. Until my words hit your screen again, I'll be taking my own advice.

Facebook lazy and intellectual demise

I must admit that I've become "Facebook lazy." When I first started blogging on MySpace in 2006, it was a personal challenge to see how much I could communicate publicly between random thoughts and personal insights. It was also a tad bit reaching out to a woman of interest, but that's neither here nor there.

I'll be the first to admit that I've become a Facebook addict over the past year. After I quit my residence life job and my closest professional and personal companion became my research, I clung to Facebook as a way to maintain contact with people. To a certain extent, that situation still exists. I am grateful for this technology--it has allowed me to develop some relationships that would not have existed otherwise, and it has helped me to maintain a few relationships as well. It is not preferred to face-to-face interaction by a long shot, but it sure is nice during a period of many life transitions.

Here's the thing, though. As I stated, I've become "Facebook lazy." Since attaching to Facebook as an on-line communication portal, I've nearly abandoned blog posts. Even though I come up with stuff to write at least weekly, I settle for Facebook "status updates." Some would argue that my use of that feature resembles "tweeting" more than status updating, but I really don't want to get into yet another form of electronic communication. At least with Facebook, I can connect with other people. Twitter really is like a tweeting bird--"look at me! look at me!" Anyway, the point is that I've gotten lazy. I've limited my public commentary to 420 characters at time (with the occasional "reply" to my own status update).

What's the point? On the surface, this is about how I choose to communicate. At a deeper level, it's a commentary regarding technology. I'm a fan of technological advances; I have been for as long as I can remember. However, technology has always been comprised of "tools" for human work and living. The plow really started it all, and the plow still required a great bit of effort to work effectively. I don't really think the plow challenged the future of humanity or "humanness" the way computer technology does. Technological advances of the modern age (television, satellite, internet, e-mail, social networking, mp3 shuffle, wifi) empower us to communicate and learn in ways far surpassing historical methods, but they also empower us to be lazy and complacent. Whereas the plow empowered humanity to grow more and grow more efficiently, modern technology empowers us to limit or even turn off our intellect.

As I write these words, I encounter abundant thoughts not making their way to the screen. A thought I cannot shake, though, is the thought of family. My perspective is that of a professional single--a bachelor who is overly connected to technology and lacking human contact beyond my work and limited social life. For me, the choices presented by technology are serious. With so much of my personal life being "wired," I must truly choose between intellectual empowerment or social networking autopilot. For so many people out there with families--with spouses, children, significant others, etc.--I hope this is less of a concern. I hope that daily human interactions with loved ones empowers human intellect enough that all of this e-chatter is simply extra, perhaps bearing substance and the potential for growth as persons, but always second to familial interactions.

I'm not pledging to blog more, but I am pledging to not have my communications and writings limited to Facebook posts. I am pledging to keep my mind active, my soul nourished, and not survive on hyper-auto-pilot.

In other news, I'm a big fan of Lady Gaga's new album Born This Way.

I watched Jesus Camp...

So, I finally watched the documentary Jesus Camp tonight. I had many mental notes for a blog post as I was watching, but I must admit that most of my thoughts were clearly articulated by the radio commentator featured in the film. So, I'll just post a few brief thoughts and reactions.

1. I don't talk about "God" very often. Although I neither preach nor testify, I do live my life according to a set of values (Christian-based) and hope [have faith] that "God" would approve.
2. If humans were created by God, then God blessed humans with intellectual capacity. Indoctrinating children to a particular viewpoint--and one that is human and thus fallible--is in contrast to the capacity with which we are blessed. I believe that children should be raised both with a set of values and with a willingness to seek truth and understanding. How can a person truly "find God" if "God" is something forced upon a developing mind?
3. Jesus did not make war with religious enemies--he preached a message of love and lead by example. He died for his conviction rather than giving into hatred and conflict.
4. There is actually much to admire in the conviction and value-driven behaviors of many religious conservatives. If I make a pros and cons list, I think my list of cons would still outweigh the pros, but it still leaves room for appreciation.
5. I am fairly certain I could fall in love with a woman who experienced this kind of upbringing, but then discovered spiritual consciousness through the abandonment of religious doctrine. I'm pretty sure I'd get along well with her.

Those are my reactions. I highly recommend this film. I believe it was tastefully produced and would appeal (for different reasons) to a wide range of religious and political perspectives.

Nipples in the media

Before I get into this quick post, let me say that home ownership is going much better (for now) and things are in good shape. It looks like I may not have a lawn to speak of this year, but still better than the house falling apart.

So, after more than 2 months without a post, it's time for something random: nipples on TV.

The commercial posted here (until the link goes missing) is from T-Mobile and shows a man without a shirt, and the ad plays off of the adage "gave the shirt off my back." Anyway, the very apparent and well defined (CGI? makeup?) nipples on this guy got me to thinking. Men can be pictured unrestricted in US media completely topless, but women cannot. The limit for females seems to be nipples, at least that's what I've noticed in print media. I'm not going to get into specific laws and regulations here, especially since it gets a little complicated between laws (over-the-air broadcast vs. cable/satellite) and network expectations relative to advertisers. Regardless of the specifics, I think it is interesting that male nipples can be seen shown freely while female nipples are restricted. Should we cover or blur men's nipples, too? Should we say that women's breasts should be completely obscured? Can a flat-chested women be shown topless, or should a large-breasted man have his man-boobs covered?

My opinion...I'm generally liberal when it comes to this stuff, so I don't see why women's breasts should be covered at all. If we are going to obscure them, though, it seems like the nipple is not the starting point. Heck, if male nipples can be shown, perhaps female breasts should be covered but their nipples could be exposed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really attempting a political statement or encouraging action here. I just find the whole thing odd, and seeing this guy's nipples on TV every day just brought it all to the forefront for me.

Until next time...

Homeowner: Day 20

With my own house, I can laugh as loud as I want whenever I want. Thanks to Everybody Loves Raymond for helping me realize this fact!

I also want to put in a plug for Lowe's Home Improvement. I'm sure not all stores are the same, but I have received amazing service and advice since buying my house. I simply walk in, start asking questions, and they quickly figure out my deep level of ignorance and talk me through it--including walking all over the store picking up parts and showing me how stuff works.

I don't think there's much to report tonight. So far, I put a 7" section of foam insulation around one very small pipe that froze and re-constructed my "fort" around the water pump to be safe. I also bought some insulating material for the garage door and will install that sometime soon. Tonight's plan is to get non-garage stuff out of the garage, move tools/workbench stuff into one spot, and clear a spot for the washer and dryer (although the washer might stay in the house until spring--undecided). This will also include getting books placed (but not ordered) on the bookshelves.

Burgers are thawing for dinner. Not to crossover blog topics, but I purchased 4.5 lbs of 90% lean ground beef at Sam's last week. I made 8 1/4-lb burgers to freeze, and froze the rest in 1/2-lb blocks. We'll see how it works out--I was very surprised to find myself buying bulk meat at Sam's.

Now that I think about it, today was a busy homeowner day on the phone. I contacted a local trash hauler and setup garbage pickup (yes, I live in a township)--that's about $18/month. I also scheduled the delivery of the guest bed (purchased through Sam's). At some point over the weekend, I cleared out the guest room for the bed, so that is a good thing. The big puzzle piece, however, is that I received quotes from the contractor for both the kitchen floor (to be paid by Lowe's insurance) and to fix the foundation/footer problem. I'm not going to speak of finances on this one right now--suffice it to say that it is an expensive fix, but it is less than I was fearing.

Well, I should get back to work. I logged in thinking I would just post the laughing observation, but here we are. Back to work...

Home ownership: 2 weeks

I will be very honest here--I'm sure I would have cried by now if I thought it would do any good. It won't, however, so I'm pretty sure that's why I have not.

I did have hot water when I moved into the house on Dec. 30. That was very nice. However, I was greeted by a giant crack in the living room wall which I basically had to ignore for a bit.

Master Bed--the room is no longer, and never will be, this clean

The movers arrived and unloaded the truck. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I've admitted before that I own too much stuff, but this is when it kicks in. I was staring down boxes with very little wiggle room. Even the garage had more boxes than anticipated. The major accomplishment for night one was getting the master bedroom ready for sleeping.

On Dec. 31, I struggled against spotty cell phone service and made some calls regarding the wall, at this point still hoping it was just a really poor drywall issue. The calls yielded very little. Beyond that, I spent Dec. 31 and Jan. 1 getting the kitchen unpacked and organized so that I would have at least one room available. I had overnight guests scheduled to arrive in the evening on Jan. 1. On Dec. 31, my refrigerator arrived from Lowe's. Unfortunately, they damaged the kitchen flooring (vinyl) in the process, and the refrigerator was left setting about a foot from the back wall. Lowe's next move would be to send someone to take insurance pictures.

Kitchen, including "island" table

Otherwise, things went pretty well. Although the place was certainly cluttered with boxes, I was generally ready for my guests when they arrived. We went out to eat at Cheeseburger in Paradise which was wonderful! That was pretty much the night--I slept on the couch so they could have my bed.

We all slept in on Sunday, and my guests left around 12:30. I got back into the mess, hoping to get something accomplished before going to work on Monday. That accomplishment was getting my desk put together and my office partly organized. This was strategic since internet was being installed on Monday morning. As for the installation, that went fine.

Office

Overall, unpacking and organizing has gone well over the past week. However, the house has presented its fair share of problems. Most significantly, after inviting a contractor over for an estimate, I learned that my wall problem (as feared) is actually from the house shifting. At some point after the flooding, someone had the brilliant idea to shim the house at the support beam using plywood--yes, it snapped. The solution is to jack up the house, do some digging, and pour some concrete. I don't yet have the photos or estimate, so more later.

"The Wall": living room, above laundry closet

I've also struggled since Dec. 31 with some leaking under the kitchen sink associated with the dishwasher line. Over the course of this week, I tried fixing the leak. At one point, the leak appeared fixed, but then a different leak appeared. The second leak required me to shut off the hot water supply. After a trip to Lowe's yesterday and some diligent efforts, I discovered that ALL of my water was gone--I lost pressure from the well tank. Thanks to some hammer tapping, I managed to get the water working on Saturday night. However, I woke up around 4:30 this morning and discovered it was off again. I was in the garage until 5:30am or 6:00am (back and forth to my computer) learning how a pressure switch works. Mine appeared to be stuck. I learned how to manually get it running, but the gauge was also bad, so I had no idea how much pressure was in the tank. I got the water running, killed the pump switch, and went back to bed. After a few trips to Lowe's and some more online research, I discovered that the switch was OK, but the water supply feeding the switch was frozen. So, I took care of that problem and the water supply is fine for the moment. I also gave in and put in new hardware under the sink. As of this moment, the dishwasher finished a full cycle and no leaks.

What else...the infamous washer/dryer closet in my living room. After MUCH effort, I've concluded that my particular machines are not going to fit in the closet. This means they are going to the garage hookups. Overall, I'm OK with this situation. However, it does not make me happy given the recent water line freeze. More planning.

Living Room on Dec. 31 (from the couch)

The living room is pretty tight, but it's coming together. My entertainment center will not fit with speakers, so I've got the above setup for now. The plan is to buy a flat-screen TV, including a TV stand that will accommodate my A/V items. That plan is on hold, however, until the other house issues are resolved. 6 months? A year?

So, that's the story 19 days after closing and 11 days after fully moving in. More to come.